x

欲说还休

Nearly Said

Gao Weixi

一种忧郁的情怀，幽灵般不时悄悄浮上我的心间，拂之不去，驱之犹存，日久弥新，似要与我永世同在……我惊讶了：究竟发生了什么？

 Melancholy emerged in my mind as if it were a ghost. Day after day, I tried to shake it off, but it clung to my heart; I tried to kick it out, yet it lingered in my soul. It seemed as if it would accompany me throughout my life. I was lost in astonishment — what had happened?

军营中总是阳盛阴衰。你面若桃花，身材苗条，性情温柔，如鹤立鸡群，更弥足珍贵了；无数双眼睛仰望着你。一个小个子科长，无论早操、吃饭、晚点名，只要排队，就站在你的身旁。大家都觉纳罕，但你却落落大方，彬彬有礼，只作视而不见。

 In the barracks, men always outnumbered women. Beautiful as a rose, you had a slender figure with a tender temperament, just like a phoenix standing in a flock of chickens — a rare treasure. Many eyes stared at you with admiration. There was that short section director who would stand by you whenever we had to line up, whether it was morning drill, meal time or evening roll call. Everybody felt surprised, but your generosity allowed you to ignore everything, treating him with courtesy. 

好像是他拖人说项，一个大个子男人便理直气壮地常来拜访你。当我看到你们双双坐三轮车驶向市区的时候，先时不以为意，过后不久，慢慢地看出些端倪，有人说是乘人之危，还有人说是引狼入室……

 Perhaps he had somebody bragging to you about him — a tall, big man often came to visit you openly. I did not take it to heart when I first saw you two sitting on a tricycle heading for town, but soon I sensed something wrong there. Some said he exploited the crisis of a relationship; others said you invited a wolf to your house. 

我曾无意中瞥见，他谄媚的眼光中，似乎闪过你一丝得意的神情，我想，你真的可能属于他了。

 By chance I once saw his coquettish look almost sparking a line of self-conceit in you. Then I thought, perhaps you really had made your choice. 

你我只是教授语文的同事而已。至多能谈得来些。每每有关于孔子，关于普希金和契科夫的艺术优劣，福尔摩斯侦探案在文学史上的地位之类的小小争论。那些，都属于纯学术范围，对吗？

 You and I were only colleagues in language teaching, that's all. We might have more common conversation topics. We did often have little disputes over Confucius (1), the literary merits and blemishes of Pushkin and Chekhov, and the importance of Sherlock Holmes's detective stories in literary history. But those were just academic issues, weren't they? 

五月的黄昏，榴红似火。我倚一颗树干而立，你则端坐在一个树杈上，轻启朱唇，低声吟唱《梅娘曲》。吟罢，无语相对，任晚风吹拂，良久不去。当月出东方，情晖透过花隙，斑斑点点在你脸上脉脉荡漾的时候，我读到了什么？是无字的诗，立体的画，是揭示人生奥秘的神谕。我的心灵开始轻轻地战栗……

 At dusk in May, the pomegranate blossoms were bright as fire. I leaned against the tree trunk as you sat on the fork, opened your red lips, and in a low voice began to sing the Song of Mei Niang. When you finished singing, we were lost in silence. We each embraced the evening wind, and did not want to leave. Then what did I decipher from the dancing freckles of moonlight on your face which crept through the flowers when the moon appeared in the east? It was a poem written without words. It was a three-dimensional picture. It was holy teaching that exposed human secrets. My heart began to tremble. 

又是一个榴花红遍天涯的五月，旧痕已逐渐平复，我们又邂逅相遇。趁无人的时候，你悄悄对我说：“一切都是命，我没想到会和他结合。”这话够煞风景。我问：“什么意思？”你低眉寻思片刻，并不作答，然后戚戚一笑，翩然而去，留下一个千古之谜。

 Then it was another May, when the earth was covered with pomegranate blossoms again. Our old wounds had just healed, but we ran into each other again. You whispered to me when nobody was around, "Everything's been pre-arranged. I never knew I would marry him." Didn't your words spoil the scenery? "What do you mean?" I asked. You looked down, lost in thought for a moment. Instead of answering me, you gave a sad smile and tripped away, leaving behind a lifetime mystery. 

漫长的岁月，你并没有褪色，总是浅浅淡淡、浅浅淡淡、缥缥缈缈、缥缥缈缈的。落英缤纷的五月，我常去树下徘徊，领略那一缕飘忽的思绪，浅浅淡淡地描，总也描不出你清晰的倩影——它犹如水画的人形，一抹即去，然而又恁般冥顽不化，一霎，复又泛上心来，真如古人所云：“才下眉头，却上心头。”

 Always dim and vague, now visible, now invisible, you never faded in my mind during those long years. In May when petals fell in riotous profusion, I often walked back and forth under the tree, cherishing that little feeling you had left in me, picking up the fallen leaves and chewing on the days that had passed. Using that drifting train of thought, I tried but never succeeded to draw your clear figure: it was always like one drawn in water — once you wiped it, it was gone. Yet just like a spirit lingering around, momentarily you would appear in my mind again. As our ancestors said, hardly had I closed my eyes when I saw you again. 

皇天在上，我们并没有说过什么，更没有做过什么。或许，惟其如此，才更耐人寻味，发人深思？也或许，惟其如此，才恰到好处，才更能绵远悠长，随心赋形，心心相印？这是天意造就的一张洁白的纸，在备好笔墨色彩的丹青妙手面前，可以创作出一幅人间最美妙、最空灵的画……

 May God be our witness: we never said or did anything that lovers would have done. Perhaps because of this, it invites more guessing and provokes more thinking. And probably because of that, our relationship has reached such a lasting state that it takes shape after our thinking and creates kindred spirits. It was God's will that this piece of blank paper be created, ready for a most beautiful and ingenious human picture to be painted by a clever hand, brushes, paints and ink lying by, ready for use. 

最后一次听到你的声音，是别人转述给我的一句话：“代我祝福他吉星高照!”即使隔着山和海，在通讯手段相当发达的现代，实在用不着求助于人。狡黠的人儿，你要表达的究竟是一种什么样的情怀？

 The last words I hear from you were forwarded to me by another person: "Tell him I wish him good luck!" You asked someone to forward your message even though today's means of communication are so advanced that nobody really needs anyone's assistance. May I ask, you cunning woman, what are you really up to? What message do you intend to convey? 

欲说还休，欲说还休。你可能就是要制造这种藕断丝连的效果。果然，那“最后的祝福”，像游丝般，袅袅依依，一晃数十年，至今犹时时响在我的耳际。

 You wanted to say it, but you did not. You wanted to say it, but you never did! It seems you just wanted to create a broken relationship that is not totally broken. Several decades have flown by. Indeed, it is that "last wish," like gossamer, now drifting away, now clinging around me, that has been resounding in my ears up till today. 

据说，你至今仍生活在遥远的我故乡的那座城市里。人们的感情千变万化。时间会酿造悲剧，更能培育奇迹。我衷心祝愿：只希望你生活得比我好。你肯定生活得比我好！

 I was told that you still live in my remote home city. Human feelings change day in, day out. Time can turn out tragedies, but wonders more so. I sincerely hope that you live better than I do. I am sure you do!　

　 ​​

(1) Confucius (551-467 BC) was a sage in ancient China, born in the feudal State of Lu, or today's Shandong Province. He advocated a system of morality and statecraft that would preserve peace and afford the people stable and fair government. The influence of his doctrines has spread from generation to generation and far beyond China itself. ​

[文章版权属于作者所有，如果本文涉及任何版权问题，请与本网联系：admin@jooyee.com] 

​​​​